Kid Director

I just noticed Vimeo has this contest for “putting a kid in the director’s seat” which is completely fucking ridiculous.


This is how I imagine it would go:

Sweetheart, the love of your life just stuck your goddamn polly pocket up his nose. Are you gonna take that?


I try to make one fucking movie about the cooties epidemic and I get these LGBT-MNOP-whatever-the-fuck groups riding my ass every second

Where’s my AC? Is it nap time yet?

Scene 4, take… Fuck, I don’t even know how to count that high.

Kraft services? Where’s the Easy Mac?

Okay let’s strike these boom poles, I want them for my fort.

You think I care about your home problems? I got an uninsured big wheel and amputated legos

Let’s do this take again, but this time fart in her face like you just ate Taco Bell for dinner. Not even a kid’s meal.

Alright, I’m gonna do a line of pixi stix in the little boy’s room and when I come back can some of us try to work?

Who’s sitting in the director’s high chair? Sorry? I am? Yeah, that’s right.

Great, that’s a wrap everyone. Script girl, get me my fucking juice box before I blow snot on you.

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