Monthly Archives: February 2013

House of Thrones/ Game of Cards

What if House of Cards characters were Game of Thrones characters in a past life? is a question that appeared on my shamelessly-capitalizing-on-House-of-Cards-frenzy Facebook Cover Photo as of late. And because I have a lot of better things to do but choose to spend my time this way, I wrote about it.

The thing is, Game of Thrones is a great show. And at the end of the day, it’s really just as much of a political drama as House of Cards. And I would encourage everyone to finish House of Cards because it’s easy to watch and I think they make some bold moves.  Anyway, the characters end up being the same because everyone backstabs each other and it’s all about who’s the smartest and knows the most. Also some of the pictures suck because I don’t care enough about you people to find better screenshots/ non-promotional material. Deal with it.

So here we go:

Frank Underwood is Tywin Lannister

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There were a couple I was considering, but this just makes the most sense considering Tywin (spoiler, nvm you should be caught up) is the KING’S HAND now… and that’s basically what Frank does all the time.

Claire Underwood is Cersei Lannister

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My initial reaction was to make her Daenerys because I honestly think Claire is crazy badass. But, just look at those pictures. There’s really no other way it could be.

Doug Stamper is Petyr Baelish, or “Littlefinger”

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Uhhhhhhhduhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Linda Vasquez is the Eunuch

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I don’t really think I have to defend this choice.

Remy is Jaime Lannister

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Think about it. There’s some major backstabbing happening. Plus they’re both dicks and wanna put their dicks in Claire/Cersei so there you go.

Edward Meachum is Sandor “The Hound” Clegane

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They’re both servants I guess. Also bound to the Underwoods/ Lannisters for other reasons.

Adam (artist guy Claire sometimes makes origami for or whatever) is Robb Stark

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I don’t have the Starks in here much because, well, there aren’t really “good” people on House of Cards. But Adam seems to be outside the petty bullshit, and Robb is too. Well maybe.

Garret Walker is Joffrey

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I really don’t think Walker is evil the way Joffrey is, but he definitely seems like a figurehead. And a boy king. And he’s super easily manipulated by everyone. But we can’t underestimate him.

Jim Matthews (VP) is Stannis Baratheon

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I GUESS. I don’t really remember the Stannis stuff honestly. But this seemed to make the most sense when I was going through Game of Thrones wiki. If you have something better, I’m all ears.

Raymond Tusk is Tyrion Lannister

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This dude is the only one who played Frank. So yeah, pretty big deal. Tryion should really just be in all shows, but this was the closest person I could find.

Zoe Barnes is Daenerys Targaryen.

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Okay, I agree with you. Zoe Barnes kinda sucks. And honestly that’s why I used this picture instead of one looking maybe a fraction of amazing ass Daenerys. Besides the penis-heart in general being hilarious, Zoe does redeem herself a little towards the end of the season.  I think the next season she could be more interesting and less obnoxious. So we’ll see. (we’ll also have to eventually forgive her for playing Hayden on American Horror Story)

Janine Skorsky is the Dragons

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Janine’s gonna play a real part later on. Like the dragons are. Plus, she’s a dragon-lady. I think. Idk. Dragons.

Lucas Goodwin is Sir Jorah Mormot

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Another one that’s pretty obvious in my opinion. We’re rooting for you, nice guys!

Tom Hammershmidt is Daenerys Brother (too lazy to look it up again. but that guy) 

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Smug assholes who got their comeuppance I guess. But personally I dont’ think Hammershmidt deserved what he got because Zoe Barnes was really a CUNextTuesday to him. So, it might not add up completely. I don’t like Zoe Barnes guys.

Peter Russo is Theon Greyjoy

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Tragic Figures. I honestly believe that. I guess a little spoiler, but WOW.

Christina Gallagher is Osha (that wildling girl who’s chilling with Bran now) 

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Okay it’s a bit of a stretch, but Theon was pretty into her. Anddd I think she’s gonna be a valuable part of the next season. For real real.

Rachel the Call Girl is Greyjoy’s Sister

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LOOK AT EM. SLUTSSSSSSS.

Marty Spinella (that union guy) is Jon Snow

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There’s something a-brewin’ here with them on the outskirts. Maybe I just wanted to include Jon Snow’s brooding face. Who knows. it’s a mystery.

Gillian Cole is Sansa Stark

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They’re both wildcards. And have been in the lion’s den for a while. And INDEPENDENT LADIES. We all like that, right ladies?

Freddy is Hodor

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Just because. And look at that border. Hodor.

GUYS I WASTE SO MUCH TIME.

Next  one is House of Cards/ Game of Thrones/ House of Lies. Jk no one watches that show.

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Huffington Post Has Gone Full Onion

We all know that HuffPo’s quality has been complete bogus for the past couple years, but seriously today every single headline seemed like something straight from The Onion.

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Now I’m starting to think that they just hired comedy writers to deal with their news. Maybe everything that happens is just to serve the purpose of being mocked. Maybe we’re living in a postmodern world of constant irony. Or maybe everyone is just really stupid.

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Kid Director

I just noticed Vimeo has this contest for “putting a kid in the director’s seat” which is completely fucking ridiculous.

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This is how I imagine it would go:

Sweetheart, the love of your life just stuck your goddamn polly pocket up his nose. Are you gonna take that?

I ASKED FOR SUNNY D. WHAT IS THIS CAPRI SUN SHIT?

I try to make one fucking movie about the cooties epidemic and I get these LGBT-MNOP-whatever-the-fuck groups riding my ass every second

Where’s my AC? Is it nap time yet?

Scene 4, take… Fuck, I don’t even know how to count that high.

Kraft services? Where’s the Easy Mac?

Okay let’s strike these boom poles, I want them for my fort.

You think I care about your home problems? I got an uninsured big wheel and amputated legos

Let’s do this take again, but this time fart in her face like you just ate Taco Bell for dinner. Not even a kid’s meal.

Alright, I’m gonna do a line of pixi stix in the little boy’s room and when I come back can some of us try to work?

Who’s sitting in the director’s high chair? Sorry? I am? Yeah, that’s right.

Great, that’s a wrap everyone. Script girl, get me my fucking juice box before I blow snot on you.

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