So. Okay. Here we go. First of all, I’m not a musical person. That’s just something I’ve finally come to terms with. I tell people this all the time. They don’t believe me. I say I used to fast-forward through Disney songs when I was a kid to get to the plot. It’s true. I just think they don’t move the story forward and you’re stuck listening to characters complain or whatever for an extra five minutes. Sorry. I’m not sorry.
“Can you two just fuck already and get back to the monkey pls?” – my 8 year old self
Going against every intuitive bone in my body, I got myself excited for Les Miserables. Maybe it was years of going to NYU that broke me down. Maybe it was the preview where they talked about a new kind of musical that was honest because they sang as they were recording I’M ALREADY GETTING BORED REHASHING THIS. I don’t know what made me want to see this movie. I don’t really like Russell Crow. I don’t even like Hugh Jackman very much.
Fast-forward to slave Hugh Jackman talk/singing five minutes into the movie about who he was as a slave or convict or whatever. HE JUST STOLE SOME BREAD CAN WE GET OVER IT ALREADY. I’M OVER IT. There was this slow sinking feeling that I felt when I realized they were going to be singing the entire movie. I know. I fucking know it’s a musical. But normally musicals have some kind of normal dialogue that happens. And I felt like a lot of confusion that happened in this plot could’ve been cleared up if the characters just talked to each other instead of singing.
I will say that I completely enjoyed the innkeeper scene with Helena Bonham Carter and Sasha Baron Cohen. And fun songs in musicals are always the ones I enjoy. But that’s because it’s funny and anything that’s funny has a certain amount of self-awareness to it. Les Miserables is one of the most earnest movies I’ve seen in an extremely long time, and that becomes tiresome for me. I’m not heartless, I do believe in love and revolution and everything, but come ON, this isn’t the most beautiful piece of art that exists. You don’t need to treat it as such.
After feeling like I spent an entire lifetime watching this movie, I looked at my watch and realized I still had an hour and a half to go. This was a whole new breed of torture. My experience of Les Miserables seemed to match the pain of the characters, but I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the point.
I would cut off my hair and whore myself out rather than watching this again
So, now this brings me to something I feel lacking as a human being. Listen, I cry at movies. When the 13th amendment passed in Lincoln, my eyes were a’watering. But can someone explain to me why this movie was sad? Besides like, being poor in France sucked in the 19th century. Is that the whole point? But even in the end nothing changes except some people fall in love and I guess we’re supposed to care. Also can we talk about the crazy Christian overtones? So the French revolution wins out in Heaven I guess? Remember that part when Hugh Jackman and that really attractive guy were covered in shit in the sewers AND STILL SINGING?!
All I can say is I’ve never felt more inside of MItt Romney’s head then at the end of the movie when everyone was bawling around me and I just quietly exited the theater with my sister.